Amanda George's domain

I'm sat here, in front of my laptop, just staring at a blank screen right now. I just don't know where or how to start this page.

Thing is, I don't think Depression really has a start or an end... not really. I know that no matter how I try and look at it I just can't pinpoint the day in my life where I went from "normal" to "Depressed". Yes, stuff has happened in my life that has *made* me depressed but I just can't find that one day where I went from being a "normie" to being a "Depressive".

It's the same with the end of the Depression - I just can't see an end to it no matter how positive I am... I can't pinpoint which feelings are the Depression and which feelings are a part of me. I can't pinpoint anything in particular that I would need to get rid of or stop feeling for me to become "normal" again.

I just don't know how to describe Depression, I don't know what I should be writing about how you would feel if you're Depressed, I can't put down any coping strategies and I can't even get my brain in gear enough to think about what else to put here.

That's the thing with Depression. Nobody ever experiences Depression in the same way as anyone else. Depression is as unique as the sufferer. I could write down the list of things that you should look out for, but what's the point? I mean, not everyone is going to have all the symptoms on the list and some people will have symptoms of their Depression that I *haven't* put on the list.

If you *feel* depressed (no matter what your other symptoms are) and you've felt the same way for more than a couple of weeks then please consider going to see your family doctor.

Some people find it incredibly hard to do and it's totally OK to feel like that but they really can help you - just being able to talk about your feelings can sometimes make you feel a lot better and knowing that you aren't alone is a great relief too.

Just to give you an idea of some of the stuff that I suffer from 24/7 'cos of my Depression (and this is just what *I* put up with... it's not a list of symptoms - it's just to give you an idea of how a Depressive feels):

  • Absolutely no motivation at all - it took me until 11pm to get dressed today and most days I don't even bother
  • Concentration goes out the window - reading anything more than a couple of sentances at a time sends my brain into a spin and I forget what I've just read
  • Mood swings - one minute I can be nice as pie the next minute I could just totally snap
  • Hopelessness - I can never see the point in doing anything
  • Constant "low" mood - ha! what an understatement *that* is!
  • Incredibly intense paranoia - starts off as me thinking everyone hates me and it escalates from there onto people collecting information about me to use against me to people videoing me and from there it goes on to psychosis
  • Psychosis
  • Feeling rejected and jealous *very* easily
  • Really crap memory - what was I just saying?
  • Insomnia - I'm *always* tired but I'm lucky if I can get a couple of hours sleep every few days
  • Suicidal thoughts and attempts
  • Self Harm - it's my only way to cope
  • Crying at the drop of a hat but not knowing why
  • I don't enjoy *anything* anymore - I used to have all kinds of hobbies and stuff... I don't enjoy anything at all now
  • Find it hard to cope with every day life - even opening my eyes is too much to cope with most days
  • Very slow to do things - when I first hit this Depressive episode I could easily read and reply to 150 emails and newsgroup messages a day as well as going into a chatroom at night and the early hours to help suicidal people... now I'm lucky if I can reply to *one* email a day and to say I find it hard to reply to newsgroup messages is a mega understatement. I haven't been into a chatroom for months 'cos I'm too slow and I just can't cope with it.
  • Get stressed out *very* easily. If there's more than one thing happening at once I just can't cope with it and I just have to get away from *everything*
Urgh! Just *seeing* that list is depressing and I haven't even scratched the surface yet!! Hopefully it gives you some kind of an idea about what I live with all day every day though.