I guess this is the page that started this whole website. I started off doing mandysdepression.com as a personal website but it soon grew to be more than just a personal homepage and I guess I miss that... I miss the days when only my friends would visit the site 'cos it was only my friends who knew about it. I miss being able to mess around with javascript and fonts and navigation and I miss being able to experiment with the backgrounds.

The very first version of mandysdepression.com was a pure white background with blood red titles and text. It made for very hard reading but I miss it... I miss the experimentation and the personalness of it. That's why I made mandysworld.com and why I'm making this site. I know I'll never be able to get those first days back 'cos what is in the past is gone, and I know that I will never have just my friends as visitors to this site 'cos it's linked off the navigation page and in all my email sigs but I'd like to get that personal feel back... the experimentation and the doing things just 'cos I want to. I want this site to be for and about me. Selfish? Yes, but I *need* to be selfish right now.

However, I also hope that by me being selfish with this site, the people who come and see me here will be able to get something from it too... hopefully by the time they leave they will know a bit more about me - about who I am, who I want to be, what makes me tick and what ticks me off. I want the visitors to this site to see my cock-ups and my triumphs. This is me experimenting... learning... growing.

So, who am I?

I really don't know tbh.

Hopefully me and the people who come and see me here will be able to start to get a glimpse of the person behind the websites that I make. This site is a journey... a journey of self-discovery.

Y'know, I have a really hard time trying to think of something to write on these pages where you get to know me 'cos I don't know what kind of things you want to know and what things you *don't* want to know so I guess I'll just start off with the standard stuff and go on from there, then if you want to know anything else about me, just email me and ask! :o)

So, what do I like?

I like my friends and people who help me, support me and listen to me - people who care about me. I think most people see me as this strong, dependable person who can cope with anything and while I *am* like that most of the time, I *do* need support sometimes... sometimes things *can* get too much for me to cope with and I *do* need someone to lean on and rant at and talk to - just like everyone else. I've said to people over and over again that I don't like being wrapped up in cotton wool and that's true - I just find it too stifling most of the time, but there *are* times when I need to be weak and I need someone to wrap their arms around me and listen to me and take care of me... a little bit of sympathy can go a *long* way when I get like that :-)

I like little surprises that my friends leave for me... especially when I'm feeling really bad or needing a bit of sympathy or whatever. Not necessarily material stuff, but just an ecard to say hi or an SMS message to let me know they care or a little gift "just because". Everyone needs to know that people care about them and I'm no different :-)

I enjoy being online and getting involved in things online. I enjoy making websites and learning new things and experimenting with my new-found knowledge. I love having access to the internet 24/7 although it can be incredibly frustrating when I can't get a connection but I guess you can't have everything! I guess I take the internet and the 24/7 access for granted a bit now that I've got so used to having it... I really don't know what I'd do without it anymore!!

I enjoy most music. People keep asking me what kind of music I listen to and what kind of stuff I like and they don't believe me when I say everything. The only music that I don't like is anything that gives me a headache (yeah, I know that makes me sound *really* old, but it's the truth!)

I *love* anything to do with children. I've always had a soft-spot for kids and I hope that will never change. All I've ever wanted to do is work with children and maybe own my own childcare business, so when I qualified to work with children when I was 17 I was over the moon!!

Hugs are definitely a very big like too. Physical contact can be very triggering for me because of my past, but a hug from someone who genuinely cares about you and who you trust and know that they won't hurt you... it's the best feeling in the world!

I've been a book-worm all my life and it gets so incredibly frustrating when I'm so far down in the pit of depression that I don't even have the motivation to pick up a magasine or enough concentration to read even a single paragraph. When I *do* have enough motivation and concentration though I make the most of it and immerse myself in reading anything I can get my hands on... not just books and magasines, but emails, mailing list messages, newsgroup posts, people's homepages, message boards - you name it, I'll read it! lol

My favourite smell is definitely lavender - it just has such an incredible relaxing and calming effect on me and I just can't get enough of it!!

Chocolate is definitely a biggy for me although I've had to be really careful about how much of it I eat since I got ill. I really miss being able to stuff my face with chocolate when I'm down but I would much rather limit the amount I have than completely cut it out altogether - I'm a total chocoholic!! lol

I *love* garlic bread too, but again, I need to be really careful about how much I eat. There is no way I'm going to give up garlic bread so I just have to be really strict with myself about how much of it I eat.

Being vegetarian is also a big part of my life. I can't remember exactly when it was that I became vegetarian but it was during my rebellious years. I remember that I was still eating meat when I was about 10 years old but if there was any way that I could get out of eating it, then I would. By the time I reached 11 years old I had totally rebelled against eating meat - I refused point blank to touch it by then and I've been the same ever since.

I love the sound and the calmness of water... just thinking of sitting by the sea with gentle waves lapping at the shore is an amazingly relaxing image for me. It doesn't have to be the sea though... I love any kind of calming, gentle water - a babbling brook or a small, trickling stream have a very similar effect.

I love my independance. I've always been a fiercely independant person who has never needed anybody for anything... until I got ill. One of the hardest things for me to do since I've been ill is to give up a big part of my independance. I have fought tooth and nail to keep every last bit of independance but I don't have a choice about losing my independance over some things now and I hate that. I hate being dependant on other people - the independant person is still inside me and they are still fighting to get out and do things for themselves but it's just not possible any more for a lot of things and it is very very hard for me to step back and let someone else do something for me... that's just not who I am.

I guess the logical thing to write about, after the things I like, is the things that I don't like... so here goes! :o)

Most of the time I hate myself - I say *most* of the time 'cos there are the odd occasions where I catch myself thinking "aksherly, I guess I'm not *that* bad" and then reality kicks back in again and I start hating myself again lol

Other than the hatred I have for myself, I also really don't like hurting myself (yeah, I know it doesn't make much sense coming from a Self-Harmer, but a lot of stuff about me doesn't make sense), I don't like pain and I don't like being ill.

As this illness has gradually got worse and worse I've become weaker and weaker and it's got to the stage now where I'm too weak to leave the house on my own and when I *do* leave the house I can only stay out for an hour and that really hurts... it's the independence thing again. I just don't like being forced to rely on people and having to ask for help, but as I've got more and more ill I haven't been left with a choice.

I don't like being too ill physically and/or mentally to talk to my friends online. I hate that the depression and this mystery illness have got such a hold on me... such a control over me that they rule my life and they choose what I can and can't do. I don't like the way that the depression takes away every last atom of concentration and motivation and it leaves me sitting there wanting to do stuff... but I just can't.

I don't like all the crap that goes along with depression... the insomnia, the Self-Harm, the suicide attempts, the lack of motivation and concentration, being lonely even when there are other people around, the feeling of unreality, paranoia, feeling disconnected... I could go on forever. I just hate it all!

I don't like my phobias - sp*ders, heights, speed, people feeling/being sick and dentists *shudder* I hate them all... yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

The medical bods... oooh don't get me started on them!! I could rant for *hours* about this one! I hate the way they don't listen to you and the way that they just give up if you don't fit into their nice little templates. I hate the way their heads are shoved so far up their own arse's that they can't see what's staring them in the face. I hate the way that they put you through all these yucky tests and they don't give 2 hoots about how much it's going to mess you up and make you ill. I hate the way that they think they know what is best for you and they think they know how you're feeling even though they only see you for 5 minutes every few weeks and you live in your body 24/7. I hate the way that they think they know best just 'cos they've read a few text books and they know a few long words. Urgh! I'm gonna stop there otherwise I'm going to fill up this whole page with just how much I hate the medical "profession"!!

I hate meat and everything to do with meat *shudder* I just can't look at a piece of meat without seeing the face of the dead animal. I love animals and I hate that they are killed just to feed us. I try not to lecture people about eating meat and AFAIK I've never tried to convince anyone to become vegetarian... I just don't like meat in any way, shape or form.

Prejudice and people who are judgmental really tick me off too. I just can't stand people who think they know best and who think that people who don't match up to their petty little prejudices are worthless or aren't human or whatever. That really gets my goat. Everyone is human and everyone is different. Accept it... embrace it... *learn* from the differences. I do.

I really *really* don't like all the pain (mentally, physically, emotionally etc etc) that everyone has to go through every day... I just want to take it all away and make the world a better place to live in - somewhere where pain doesn't exist.